Morning again...

Seems like the days are slipping by faster lately...those mornings just keep coming.  Doesn't seem to matter how much or little I sleep.  Doesn't seem to matter what I do or don't accomplish.  Sun up, sun down.  That's how it goes.  I'm inclined to put on the brakes...if only that were actually possible. {insert wistful sigh here}

Capturing Jake

"So, why don't you like cameras Jake?"

"I believe they steal little pieces of your soul.", he says in his best straight man voice. I know he's full of it though. Like always, I can tell.

"Try again", I say.

He pushes it, says "It's a moment frozen in time." "I never like to look at pictures, because those moments are gone and you can't get them back."

Now, this is closer to the truth. There's something more though and I can't put my finger on it. He's definitely more than a little uncomfortable in front of the lens.

Now I push it. "Let me take a few more. Please." He declines. I wheedle...and steer the walk where I want it to go. When I get him there, he gives in. Because we're friends. Because we have trust. Because we're both struggling though.

I talk, to distract him, about his niece. He's still uncomfortable, but it works a little. You can see the shift in his eyes. His love for her holds him for a couple of frames and he's never looked better.

Now all I have to do is convince him.

Gotta LOVE the Alcove...

Drinking really good beer from a wide mouth mason jar. Ahhh

what was I thinking?!!!!

Somebody tell me, please. Just what the hell was going through my head when I did that? When I said that? When I thought that?

Wow. I guess the bright side would be that at least I'm spontaneous...so much so that I may combust.

Dear 35yr old self...

Never, ever, ever act like 18yr old self again. Deal?

Happy to be me...

I am really. Most days.

But then, there are few days – ones like today, where something happens that derails me a bit. Most days I don’t think about being alone. And on the days that I do think about it, I mostly think it’s ok. I like to focus on the good things that come from it. Like yellow walls and quilts covered in butterflies and empty containers that don’t get put back in the fridge.

Sometimes though, I can’t escape myself. For the past few days I’ve been thinking about relationships. And I use the term “relationship” broadly. Romance, friendship, family, professional.

I’ve always thought I was pretty good at relationships, but what I think I actually am is good with people. In looking at my relationships over the past few days, I’ve come to realize that I’m good at giving support and comfort to others. And I really think that is one of my most admirable traits, but where does that leave me? At the moment, frustrated and feeling unsupported.

So, I started to wonder why that happens. Why the imbalance of give and take? Took me a hot minute, but I got there. It’s me. I’m overstating my relationships…especially those with friends. I don’t want to change who I am…a person who loves easily and gives without reservation. I have no intention of sounding full of myself here, I have plenty of faults and believe me, I couldn’t be more aware of them. But, I am that person. You know, the one everybody feels comfortable talking to. And I can absolutely admit that I get something positive from that. It makes me happy that my friends feel they can trust me with whatever is going on in their lives. I hope I’m pretty good at advice and direction.

The problem is, I expect that same level of love and respect in return. Not reasonable. You can’t make or expect other people to love and respect you.

Oh and in case you haven’t picked up on this, I’m tactile. Touch is how I express and (here’s the kicker) receive affection, love, respect, admiration, affirmation, comraderie…get it? The lack of it is how I can feel completely alone even when I’m in a crowded room. Just FYI.

Ugh, I realize I probably sound psycho right now, so let me just wrap this rant or whatever it is up before someone calls the men in white coats.

Just F**K!

Dear Universe,

Rest assured, I hear you.



Dear Brain,

I really hate feeling this way, so knock it off please

music lyrics...

We’ve all had certain songs that speak to us in some way. Evoke a memory of a place or a moment in time. Bring a smile or a tear. I think the best songs, the ones with thoughtful lyrics and a tune that carries us, can sometimes reveal us to ourselves. And that’s where I am today. So, I’m sharing the lyrics of this song with you. And here are the questions I’m asking myself: Why am I waiting? Would I even know the perfect moment if it presented itself? Am I always going to be telling myself it isn’t the right time? Will I ever be ready? For those of you thinking I’m talking about a romantic relationship, I’m not. I’m talking about life, about living it without fear of failure. I had an excellent conversation with a very good friend tonight. He’s such an inspiration to me. He’s brave and bold and ambitious. He has many other wonderful characteristics, but these are the ones I admire most and it’s these that motivate my declaration that I’d like to be more like him. Fearless. Willing to believe that I can succeed. Willing to give it my all and accept the outcome, whatever it may be. I’m excellent at listening and giving advice when it comes to those I care for…why then, am I so unwilling or unable to do that in my own life? And will someone please step into the void? What are your greatest fears? What dream do you want to will into existence? And what are you waiting for?



Never Be Ready by Mat Kearney

We got our feet on the wire
Talking ’bout flying
Maybe we’re diving in over our heads
Scared of what I’m feeling
Staring at the ceiling
Here tonight

Come on and lay down these arms
All our best defenses
We’re taking our chances here on the run
The fear is an anchor
Time is a stranger
Love isn’t borrowed
We aren’t promised tomorrow

We’ll never be ready if we keep waiting
For the perfect time to come
Hold me steady, we’ll never be ready
When we don’t know, though we can’t see
Just walk on down this road with me
Hold me steady, we’ll never be ready

You’re OK here with me
Here in the silence
With all of the violence crashing around
Saying we can’t go
Saying we don’t know
This road that is narrow is the one we should follow

We’ll never be ready if we keep waiting
For the perfect time to come
Hold me steady, we’ll never be ready
When we don’t know, though we can’t see
Just walk on down this road with me
Hold me steady, we’ll never be ready

Steady my hands this one could turn around
Steady my heart, it’s beating faster
Steady my hands this one could turn around
Steady my heart, it’s beating faster
Beating faster now

We’ll never be ready if we keep waiting
For the perfect time to come
Hold me steady, we’ll never be ready
When we don’t know, though we can’t see
Just walk on down this road with me
Hold me steady, never be ready

Hold me steady, we’ll never be ready
Hold me steady, we’ll never be ready
Hold me steady, we’ll never be ready